9 Months!

Calleigh is 9 months old already. I can't believe it. Like seriously, I'm shocked. She is way too big and it makes me so sad that my itty bitty baby isn't so itty bitty anymore.

She's been crawling for months now, pulling up on stuff, "cruising" around the house, has 4 teeth, likes to gnaw on her crib, enjoys trying new foods, loves stealing my sweet tea, chasing after the dogs, and coming to find where mommy is hiding from her.

I love playing hide n go seek with her. She will search and search all over the house until she finds me. When she does she sits up and shakes her arms up and down and laughs and laughs. As if to say "mommy I found you!"

This little girl prefers me over anyone else in the house. When she wakes up in the morning, she wants mommy and she wants to snuggle in the bed while she drinks her bottle. She won't let anyone else hold her or play with her until after her belly is full. If she falls and hurts herself she'll crawl to me crying and stick her arms up wanting to be picked up. She makes me feel like the best mom ever when she clearly wants me and nobody else. I couldn't have it any other way.

I need to make an appointment with a photographer for her 9 month photos. I have tons on my camera at home but I always forget to bring my camera to work.

Wow it's been a month and a half since I posted last time. I'm sorry! I've been busy and too tired and dealing with a few personal things. I'll really try and post more.

Most of you know that we lost a son in 2006. He was stillborn and I was a little crazy afterwards. Well crazy is an understatement but we'll just go with that. As time went on it got easier to "deal" with but I still cry when I think or talk about him.

I've been dealing with a lot of resentment towards my stepson. Horrible, right? I know it's wrong that I would even hold this against him but it's how my brain and heart sees things sometimes.

But let me explain.

You see, this started a few months ago. B was playing with Calleigh and I was laughing at them. The next thing I know, I'm having to walk away in tears because it hurt me so bad. I got angry that it was him playing with Calleigh and not Wyatt playing with Calleigh. Yeah that probably makes me sound cuckoo but that's what happened.

I was dealing with this by myself. I haven't said anything about it to anyone because it's embarrassing! I sucked it up and I mentioned it to Darren the other night that I was having a hard time watching B and Calleigh play together because it made me upset and I explained how and why. He totally understood and let me cry on his shoulder for however long it took me to get my stuff together.

I feel so horrible for having these kinds of thoughts because it's not B's fault that Wyatt isn't here. It's not anybody's fault. I just think it's so unfair that my son can't be here to play with his sister. That watching my son and my daughter play together was robbed from me. (Don't get me wrong, I consider my step-kids my own even though they aren't. It's different though. My own stepmom told me that when I had kids of my own that it wouldn't be the same. And I totally get that now. So please don't even think "oh what her stepson isn't her son?" This isn't even about that. )

I guess this is something I'll always have to deal with though. I just hope I find a healthier way to deal with it than bottling it up and exploding on Darren's shoulder. I've always thought time would make it better, that's not true. Then I thought having Calleigh would make it better, that's not totally true either.

Don't get me wrong, she makes me feel a lot better. Like I'm whole again. Like I am the best mom ever when she looks at me with her big brown eyes and grins that beautiful 3 teeth grin of hers. Or when she says mamamamamama over and over again. There are times where I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right at that moment. Then I remember about my angel and I feel guilty because I was imagining being happy without him.

Maybe I have unfair expectations of myself? It's possible to still be happy with one child while grieving over another child that was lost years ago, right? Don't take this post the wrong way. I'm not totally depressed about anything. I just have had these nagging feelings in my mind and heart for a few months now and maybe talking to someone will make it better. Maybe it won't.

But I do not sit around crying or comparing Calleigh to Wyatt or anything like that.

These thoughts pop up at anytime. I'll be feeding Calleigh dinner or giving her a bath or doing something simple as playing peekaboo. I mean it could really be anything that we're doing and I'll think man it would be so nice to have Wyatt here for that.

And I'm sure that every parent that has ever lost a baby or child has had these kinds of thoughts or feelings. But this is starting to really suck!!

I'm well aware that this post might not make any sense or might seem like rambling but it's my blog so get over it :)