So over October

I love this time of year. October brings hope of cooler weather (when I say cooler I mean anything less than 90) , it brings hopes of holidays, and family time. But this year October has been nothing but bad news.

First things first on October 1st, our dear friend Randy was hit by a van as he was walking down the street. He is in a coma, has had his leg amputated, and has a trachea in his throat so he can breath. This is heart breaking. I've known Randy for 5 years but Darren has grown up with him. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if I was in Darren's place.

On October 3rd we get a call that Darren's grandmother passed away in her sleep. Monday Tuesday and Wednesday of this week are spent in Baton Rouge for the planning, the wake, and the funeral. Darren's grandpa isn't taking this so well. He wouldn't eat or drink for a week and is just now starting to eat small amounts of food.

On October 4th I get a call from my bff Amanda that our mutal friend's fiancee hung himself. The mutual friend found him. Again...I couldn't imagine what I'd do if I was in her place.

Darren leaves to go to Mississippi on October 18th.

I get in a car wreck on October 21st. My car is towed, I'm issued a ticket, and now I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do about all this wreck stuff.

Also my bff Amanda found out she was pregnant on the 20th and today she found out through blood work that her levels dropped and she is miscarrying the baby. She is devastated.

This month needs to hurry and end.

I may hate white cabinets but I love magic erasers

Oh dear last night was horrible! I cleaned my kitchen for 3 hours before throwing in the towel and eating dinner. I still have to clean the microwave and wipe down my fridge and stove, sweep and mop the kitchen then it's done. And the Mr. Clean Magic Erasers are my new favorite cleaning toy.

Today I have to clean both bathrooms, wipe down my couch (is it possible to clean microfiber? I shall google), wash all sheets, dust living room, dining room, and dining room light, clean 4 more ceiling fans, clean Calleigh's room, and then finally clean my room. Oh dear...I feel nauseous!

Anyway...so last night after I ate dinner I was playing with Calleigh. I was holding her and had her bent over backwards and was tickling her stomach. As she was laughing I noticed that her 4 teeth nubs up top have turned into full fledged teeth! I tried my hardest to get a pic but she wouldn't let me. So my little bitty 9 1/2 month old now has 6 full fledged teeth, and 1 little bitty nub on bottom trying it's hardest to come in. She'll have a mouth full soon!

I'm trying to think of a way to ween her off the bottle. So far, we've tried 3 different sippy cups and she hasn't liked any of them. She'll drink a little but she still prefers to drink out of a normal cup! Ugh...this bottle battle is going to be horrible. I believe once I find a sippy she likes, she'll give up her day time bottles. But her night time bottle is a whole different ball park! She NEEDS it to go to sleep. AND YES I KNOW TO WAIT TILL SHE'S A YEAR OLD TO TAKE THE BOTTLE FROM HER but with only 2 months left (aaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!) it's better to start trying sippy cups now than wait till later!

Wow it's been a month and a half since I posted last time. I'm sorry! I've been busy and too tired and dealing with a few personal things. I'll really try and post more.

Most of you know that we lost a son in 2006. He was stillborn and I was a little crazy afterwards. Well crazy is an understatement but we'll just go with that. As time went on it got easier to "deal" with but I still cry when I think or talk about him.

I've been dealing with a lot of resentment towards my stepson. Horrible, right? I know it's wrong that I would even hold this against him but it's how my brain and heart sees things sometimes.

But let me explain.

You see, this started a few months ago. B was playing with Calleigh and I was laughing at them. The next thing I know, I'm having to walk away in tears because it hurt me so bad. I got angry that it was him playing with Calleigh and not Wyatt playing with Calleigh. Yeah that probably makes me sound cuckoo but that's what happened.

I was dealing with this by myself. I haven't said anything about it to anyone because it's embarrassing! I sucked it up and I mentioned it to Darren the other night that I was having a hard time watching B and Calleigh play together because it made me upset and I explained how and why. He totally understood and let me cry on his shoulder for however long it took me to get my stuff together.

I feel so horrible for having these kinds of thoughts because it's not B's fault that Wyatt isn't here. It's not anybody's fault. I just think it's so unfair that my son can't be here to play with his sister. That watching my son and my daughter play together was robbed from me. (Don't get me wrong, I consider my step-kids my own even though they aren't. It's different though. My own stepmom told me that when I had kids of my own that it wouldn't be the same. And I totally get that now. So please don't even think "oh what her stepson isn't her son?" This isn't even about that. )

I guess this is something I'll always have to deal with though. I just hope I find a healthier way to deal with it than bottling it up and exploding on Darren's shoulder. I've always thought time would make it better, that's not true. Then I thought having Calleigh would make it better, that's not totally true either.

Don't get me wrong, she makes me feel a lot better. Like I'm whole again. Like I am the best mom ever when she looks at me with her big brown eyes and grins that beautiful 3 teeth grin of hers. Or when she says mamamamamama over and over again. There are times where I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right at that moment. Then I remember about my angel and I feel guilty because I was imagining being happy without him.

Maybe I have unfair expectations of myself? It's possible to still be happy with one child while grieving over another child that was lost years ago, right? Don't take this post the wrong way. I'm not totally depressed about anything. I just have had these nagging feelings in my mind and heart for a few months now and maybe talking to someone will make it better. Maybe it won't.

But I do not sit around crying or comparing Calleigh to Wyatt or anything like that.

These thoughts pop up at anytime. I'll be feeding Calleigh dinner or giving her a bath or doing something simple as playing peekaboo. I mean it could really be anything that we're doing and I'll think man it would be so nice to have Wyatt here for that.

And I'm sure that every parent that has ever lost a baby or child has had these kinds of thoughts or feelings. But this is starting to really suck!!

I'm well aware that this post might not make any sense or might seem like rambling but it's my blog so get over it :)

We have teeth!

Ms. Calleigh has two pretty little white nubs on her lower gum. One is poking through more than the other one but you can deffinately see both of them. So freaking presh by the way! I'll hafta snap a pic of them and post.

Oh and gosh I'm such a bad mom. Calleigh had her 4 month checkup last Friday. She was already 5 months and 5 days but obviously her pedi's office is just that busy. Anywho...onto her stats. She is weighing in at 17.4 lbs. Her length is 27". Now see I have a problem with her weight. She kept moving on the scale and the numbers were going up and down..the nurse was impatient so she wrote down a number that it paused on and told me to pick Calleigh up. Doc said she's in the 97% for her weight and 100% for height. That basically means only 3% of girls her age are heavier than her and she's in the heaviest weight for girls her age. But my baby isn't chunky...she's just really long.

Not much else has been going on. Calleigh's Godmother and my bestie is coming to stay this weekend. I'm super duper excited about that. She has only seen Calleigh a few times and never for a long period of time. She'll be here from Friday evening to late Sunday afternoon. I can't freaking wait!! I so need some girl time.

I miss living where we used to live. Even though we've been here for 4 years now...it's still not home and I still don't have any close friends. I might have one or two hopefuls but their younger and single..still in partying mode. Oh well..hopefully I'll make some gal pals sooner or later.